The Unseen Reality: Why Children Dismiss a Parent’s Abuse in a Dysfunctional Family

Families are the building blocks of our society, and within these structures, some dynamics can become deeply harmful. One of the most insidious forms of dysfunction is when one parent allows or even promotes a harmful environment for the other parent, often using manipulation and abuse to control and isolate the victimized parent. In such scenarios, children can become caught in the crossfire, unaware of the true nature of their parents' interactions. My own family's experience illustrates this all too clearly.

The Manipulative Pattern

Our father, though not diagnosed, exhibited many hallmarks of a narcissistic personality. His approach to managing his relationship with my mother was manipulative and toxic. He designed situations to make her appear unreasonable and wrong, often using underhanded tactics to turn the tables on her. For example, he would use backhanded insults, create fear with his driving behavior, and manipulate body language to provoke her reactions. Once she responded in a defensive manner, he would portray himself as the victim, appealing to our sympathy and others in the household.

During such incidents, he would mumble emotional pleas to my mother, saying he was sorry and begging for another chance. He would then use our siblings, including myself, as allies, labeling my mother as unreasonable and needy. Behind closed doors, however, the situation was far different. When my mother exited the room, his demeanor changed, and he would blame her for his actions. He would accuse her of deliberately setting him up to look bad and said he was trying his best, even when he was clearly the source of the negativity.

Blindness and Indoctrination

One of my brothers was particularly susceptible to this manipulation. He believed everything my father said without question and failed to see the underlying issues. He witnessed the aftermath of my father's wrongdoing but never saw the buildup or the reality of the situation. He viewed my mother as the aggressor and my father as the helpless victim, mirroring the narrative crafted by my father.

Both my brother and I were raised to be gatekeepers to my mother's freedom and identity. We were tools for my father's control, and we internalized this toxic dynamic from birth. Our roles were to protect him and ensure my mother remained compliant and unable to escape the abuse.

The Fallout of Indoctrination

While my father's tactics were effective for his survival within the family, they worked until he eventually left. However, my brother continued to believe the narrative even after our father's departure. Without the manipulations and fear tactics, he was no longer a tool for control, making it harder for him to see the truth. In a final blow, my brother cut our parents out, further insulating himself from the reality of the situation.

During road trips, my mother was often hyper-vigilant to prevent my father from driving dangerously. He would become angry if she missed an exit or if she forgot to mention a turn. He would demean her and force her to perform uncomfortable tasks. I witnessed the physical and emotional toll he took on her, from her walking around with tears in her eyes to the times she was struck in the face. The picture was one of constant manipulation and abuse, but my brother only saw the aftermath of these incidents.

A Call to Awareness

The reality is that not all children can see through a parent's manipulation. The indoctrination process is so thorough that even when faced with undeniable evidence, some individuals may still dismiss the harmful behavior. This is not the fault of the child but a result of the manipulative environment designed to perpetuate the myth of the victim and the perpetrator.

Families need policies and protections that recognize and address the signs of abuse. Only with awareness and intervention can we hope to break the cycle of manipulation and protect those who are caught in the crossfire.