Why Did It Take So Long for Those Who Have Been Cheated On to Decide to End the Marriage Relationship?

It is not an easy decision for everyone to make when a trusted partner betrays their trust through infidelity. The shock of discovering such a betrayal often leaves the mind reeling, making it difficult to process the reality quickly. This was certainly the case for me, who was married for 30 years, when I found out about my husband's long and secret life of infidelity.

Even though a part of me had always known something was wrong, my imagination had painted a picture of a more manageable situation, such as an affair with a coworker. What I discovered, however, was far beyond anything I could have imagined. In those early months, overwhelmed with shock, I struggled to function. My ability to sleep, eat, or think clearly was severely compromised.

There were several factors that contributed to my delayed decision to end the marriage. One of the primary influences was my past as a child of divorce. Growing up in a divorced household, I inherently valued the stability of marriage and the union of my family above all. My entire life's goal was to keep my family together, to prevent my children from experiencing the devastating effects of a collapsing household.

Personal Sacrifices and Limitations

Another significant factor was the personal sacrifices I had made to be with my husband. I was young and had moved to a foreign country where I did not speak the language fluently. With no immediate family or support network, I had put my career on hold to pursue a life with him. Consequently, I had no financial means to support myself or knowledge of the local system to navigate my new life. At 50 years old, the reality of leaving this relationship and never finding a partner again became a daunting prospect. In the depths of my grief and disenchantment, my sense of self had diminished, making the idea of standing alone even more challenging.

Mental and Emotional Struggles

Additionally, the mental connection formed over more than half my life with my husband was incredibly difficult to sever. It was akin to trying to cut off a hand that has a tendency to attack you while you sleep. While it might be a drastic measure, I hesitated to take such a decision without considering all other possibilities. Was there a treatment or therapy that could address this issue before resorting to such an extreme measure?

Lastly, external influences played a significant role in my decision-making process. Accusations from friends, family, and even acquaintances pummeled me with questions about my worth and shortcomings. Those who questioned themselves and sought to improve were less likely to be swayed by such criticisms. However, for those who were already prone to self-doubt, these accusations could be debilitating, leading them into a cycle of self-improvement rather than seeking divorce.

As I reflect on my journey, it is clear that young people might view such a scenario as straightforward when they are experiencing life's challenges for the first time. However, at 30 years later, I can attest that life is much more complex and nuanced. The decision to leave a partner who has betrayed your trust requires not only the courage to face the harsh realities of your relationship but also the strength to navigate the many personal and external challenges that come with it.

A Long Process of Legal and Emotional Healing

It took me a couple of years to finally make the decision to divorce. My ex-partner’s emotional turmoil and claims of a diminished state due to his actions only added another layer of complexity to my decision. He cried and spoke about his sex addiction, expressing love for me and even suggesting that he might be castrated. Questions about whether I was about to abandon someone "sick" further clouded my judgment.

Throughout this journey, many existential questions arose, forcing me to face the gravity of my actions and those of my partner with a renewed sense of clarity. Divorce, in itself, is a lifelong process—both legally and emotionally. I didn’t just need to redefine myself; I also had to redefine my relationship to the life I so desperately wanted to keep together.

Despite all the challenges I faced and the time it took, I have since found a measure of peace. This experience has not only taught me the value of resilience but also the importance of setting boundaries and taking care of oneself. To those who may be going through a similar situation, my hope is that this reflection will provide some comfort and clarity during their own journey towards healing and self-discovery.